Fear

I won't lie. I am terrified.

I have carried this child for 9+ months after doctors told me I would never have children. SHE was my miracle baby.

I rocked, walked, and nursed her through colic.

I watched her learn to walk, talk, and dance.

I have given endless amounts of hugs, and kisses.

I have read her endless stories, and sung hundreds of songs.

I have held her when she's been sick.

I have played hours of My Little Pony, and Candy Land with her.

I watch this amazing bond that she has with her little brother......

....and I am in agony.

HURRY UP....and wait.

I do much better when something has a NAME. For some reason a name gives me some kind of control. I can do research, I can find the best doctor in the country, I can do SOMETHING. Right now....we wait.

We know this much:

• She has growths on her cervical spine.
• They are bony growths.
• They are in a bad place, a very very very bad place.
• They cause Reagan stiffness and discomfort, and could cause another spasm at any moment.
• She knows she has to be careful with her head and neck, but is otherwise happy and unaffected.

I also know that Reagan is my girl. She's my sweet princess, and it literally HURTS me to think that something terrible is wrong with her. My hope is that the doctor in Philly says that it's nothing, and that we just need to watch it....but the look on the Shriner's doctors face told me otherwise.

....and I pray
....and I wait
....and I worry
....and I pray some more.