This may not be a normal process of the normal person, but I come upon it honestly.
There are a lot of paranoid people in my genetic family pool.
So I have gone over the past 5 years thinking of anything that could have tipped me off.
This may sound like a way of blaming myself
for my daughters bone tumors/spurs...
and it was...
BUT it was actually very helpful, because I realized that I had not answered all of the doctors questions correctly.
I missed little things....little things that I normally would have never questioned.
He asked Reagan if her legs were ever tingly. She said "No." as did I.
I realized that was not true. Reagan is often complaining that her legs and feet are "fuzzy" like when your foot "falls asleep" from sitting on it too long. I disregarded it as just that...her foot "falling asleep", but now that I think about it...
this sometimes happens when she's just walking around.
The other is that Reagan has what I used to refer to as "growing pains". Pain in her knees and shins. I never gave it a second thought...after all, Josh told me that he suffered from them as well.
So, I called the RN in charge of Reagan's case, and reported all of this. I apologized for being oblivious when we were seeing the doctor....but to be fair, I NEVER in a million years expected those words to be coming out of his mouth.
Now the paranoid phase. I am wondering why he really said NOTHING to me. I mean, the only good news he gave me is "Not Cancer". I mean, he's an older man...and he's NEVER seen ANYTHING like what Reagan has???? EVER??? Is it good that he said nothing? Is it bad?
He's flying her films to Philadelphia....which is about 6-7 hours from home.
That can't be good? Right???
Is it nothing? Is it something?
I prefer nothing, but I WANT TO KNOW!!!!
There is SO much comfort in knowledge...at least for me.
I want to get on with it. I want to do research with a diagnoses. I want to research doctors.
or.....move on with our lives if it's nothing.
Nothing. That's a good word.
"It's NOTHING" would sound like bliss right now.
1.5 weeks. Can I make it?
I am trying to rely on God.
He made Reagan.
He knows her path.
He made ME.
He knows my path.
I can wait. Everything in God's time, I know...
...but I am NO Superman.
Pure poised perfection, I am not....and so I wait.