June 8, 2009


Ok....on to the paranoid phase of the waiting game.

This may not be a normal process of the normal person, but I come upon it honestly.
There are a lot of paranoid people in my genetic family pool.

So I have gone over the past 5 years thinking of anything that could have tipped me off.

This may sound like a way of blaming myself
for my daughters bone tumors/spurs...

and it was...

BUT it was actually very helpful, because I realized that I had not answered all of the doctors questions correctly.

I missed little things....little things that I normally would have never questioned.

He asked Reagan if her legs were ever tingly. She said "No." as did I.
I realized that was not true. Reagan is often complaining that her legs and feet are "fuzzy" like when your foot "falls asleep" from sitting on it too long. I disregarded it as just that...her foot "falling asleep", but now that I think about it...
this sometimes happens when she's just walking around.

The other is that Reagan has what I used to refer to as "growing pains". Pain in her knees and shins. I never gave it a second thought...after all, Josh told me that he suffered from them as well.

So, I called the RN in charge of Reagan's case, and reported all of this. I apologized for being oblivious when we were seeing the doctor....but to be fair, I NEVER in a million years expected those words to be coming out of his mouth.
Now the paranoid phase. I am wondering why he really said NOTHING to me. I mean, the only good news he gave me is "Not Cancer". I mean, he's an older man...and he's NEVER seen ANYTHING like what Reagan has???? EVER??? Is it good that he said nothing? Is it bad?

He's flying her films to Philadelphia....which is about 6-7 hours from home.
That can't be good? Right???

Is it nothing? Is it something?

I prefer nothing, but I WANT TO KNOW!!!!
There is SO much comfort in least for me.

I want to get on with it. I want to do research with a diagnoses. I want to research doctors.
or.....move on with our lives if it's nothing.

Nothing. That's a good word.
"It's NOTHING" would sound like bliss right now.

1.5 weeks. Can I make it?

I am trying to rely on God.
He made Reagan.
He knows her path.
He made ME.
He knows my path.

I can wait. Everything in God's time, I know...

...but I am NO Superman.

Pure poised perfection, I am not....and so I wait.



((((((((( ))))))))) I imagine no matter how much faith you have, the waiting game is never easy. Hang in there! I'm praying!


Patience is the hardest thing to deal with. Also it is hard when God only gives you enough light to only see your own two feet, meaning you can not see the future. Saying a prayer for you.


ok Christa, I know you're not going to like what I have to say... but STOP IT! I speak from my own can go over A MILLION TIMES what you could have done differently/ what you missed and the truth is, you just never know. Yes, you're right, you are not a supermom, but you ARE a very involved, caring, responsible mom...that's more than I can say for A LOT of moms. You ARE doing a great job!!!!
I know about second guessing yourself and the only thing it leads to is fear and doubt, which is NOT of God.
He asks that you trust him...
How about looking at it this way: instead of beating yourself up for thinking you've missed signs, be confident that it was caught in time!!!
Hang in there!

Christa @ Quintooples

Thank you for that!!! Sometimes I need a good kick in the pants to wake me up from my paranoid haze. Seriously, I will stop it now. :P

Queen Mumma

Christa, I just wanted to say that I understand how you are feeling completely. Worrying can bring your thoughts to a lot of places. My girls are having back to back major surgery on Wednesday. The unknown is the scariest thing. You are in my prayers.

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~Christa @ Quintooples