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March 10, 2009

Hot Topic Tuesday

When I was new at this parenting thing I fell into parenting clique. It's natural I suppose. It's a natural tendency to hang out with people that you have more in common with, and I think that's OK...but sometimes it can get catty and nasty.

When I was first pregnant I was most comfortable hanging out with other "infertiles". They were the only women who could appreciate all that I had gone through to attain a pregnancy. I felt that no one could understand all of the love and the work, the tears, and the money that had gone in to making that little miracle in my uterus!

The next clique I fell into was the "AP" clique. Cloth diapering, non-spanking, selective/delaying vaccinations, organic feeding, creative playing, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, etc....

Then I had tragedy after tragedy happen in 2006, and I had a complete meltdown. I had many miscarriages and uterine surgeries, and I found myself in yet a different group. I was in a support group of women who had multiple miscarriages. Even tragedy can be a clique of it's own.

Then I became a mom of multiples, which CAN be a huge clique. The Triplet mom's think that the Twin mom's will never understand! (After all, human's have TWO arms....NOT THREE!!!) Or, the Twin mom's think that the Triplet mom's think that the Twin mom's have it easier than they do...... Or the Quad mom's think that the Triplet mom's have it SO easy because they don't have to worry about buying a Quad stroller........

SIGH..... It's really amazing.

Let me see. What am I? I am a mom of 5 kids. I am a Christian. I am NOT AP. I am a non-spanker, but I do not hold judgment against those who do. I use the book Love and Logic. I still delay / select vaccines, and I cloth diaper part time. I co-slept with Reagan, and Ethan full time, and the triplets for 2 months. I have lost 5 babies to miscarriage. I struggled with infertility. I am a mom of multiples.

I fell into the trap of parenting cliques, and I am sorry to everyone I offended when I was on my high horse in my learning days.

What do you think of parenting cliques? Were you a part of one? Are you a part of one? Have you been on the rejected end of one?

8 comments:

mrosev14

That was a very interesting post. I like you have fallen into cliques, I'm not a mom, but I guess there are cliques during every stage of life. What does AP stand for?

loren

I know what you mean. I'm kinda the odd man out in a lot of areas.

I was lucky and got pregnant really quickly and really young with the girls. Noone in my original circle of friends has kids, so the only people I can really relate to are my neighbors (a decade older with much older kids) or MOMs who I can't really relate to on a lot of levels: age, fertility, (those are the big ones), parenting style, etc...

It's almost like people who have dealt with IF are given a pass to say whatever they'd like about their struggles, while the people who don't deal with it are issued a gag order. It is a little frustrating when people get catty about those *spontaneous* (yep, I said it!) conceptions. It makes me a little sad that we have to downplay our journey so we don't get the eyerolls from some moms.

Oh well... it teaches empathy and understanding, right?

Christa @ Quintooples

AP= Attachment Parenting. I think it is probably the most tight knit parenting clique I have been involved in.

Jen

Does on-line cliques count? :-)
Seriously, I tend to "hang out" more with my on-line friends, chatting on facebook, message boards, etc. I prefer to be around other Triplet Moms because I don't have to spend my time answering questions and how I do things and I don't have to always hear "how do you do it". We live SO far out and it is an all day adventure to go into "town" to hangout with friends. I also enjoy talking with other moms that cloth diaper and delay vax.

Clair

oh i so know how you feel. Been there, done that! Glad i'm not alone

Stacy

Oh, yes...mommy cliques.... When I was a first time parent, I fell trap to that thinking when I joined my local LaLeche Leage group. The group didn't start that way, but it evolved into one as older members left and leadership changed hands. I was lucky enough to figure it out before I was hurt too much by the members. I love the ideas of AP and try to use them, but in my personal experience with them (I am a member of a mostly AP mom playgroup), many of the moms fall short of all of the ideals and beat themselves up over it or they put on an outward appearance that everything is perfect when it really isn't. I prefer to just be honest. I am myself. I do take some of the AP ideas and try to use them, but I am guilty of a few spankings when they were warranted. I try very hard to not judge other's parenting styles and most importantly, refuse to belong to a clique! Thanks for this post!

On a side note, would you email me privately to share the name of your pediatrician? I am planning a move into the area and am looking for a ped that will take my children as patients since I also selectively/delay vaccinations and it is hard to find a ped that will work with you or even be willing to take you as a patient if you choose to detour from the federal mandated schedule!

Jodi

Good topic Christa! One thing I've learned after two years of motherhood is that God created all moms and children differently and I've learned not to judge moms that do things differently than me and in turn, not to be worried when I parent different than others. God made ME the mother of my son with his unique traits and personality and so I need to make decisions based on where I feel like God is leading me, even if others are doing it differently and then not apologize for it. I honestly have not found a lot of parenting cliques. Maybe it's just that I'm not into that kind of stuff. I had all these "perfect ways" of doing things UNTIL I gave birth to my son. I now find myself doing things that I never thought I'd do before (like co-sleeping). I think it's important to just seek God every step of the way and be open to where He might lead.

Christa @ Quintooples

Good topic Christa! One thing I've learned after two years of motherhood is that God created all moms and children differently and I've learned not to judge moms that do things differently than me and in turn, not to be worried when I parent different than others. God made ME the mother of my son with his unique traits and personality and so I need to make decisions based on where I feel like God is leading me, even if others are doing it differently and then not apologize for it. I honestly have not found a lot of parenting cliques. Maybe it's just that I'm not into that kind of stuff. I had all these "perfect ways" of doing things UNTIL I gave birth to my son. I now find myself doing things that I never thought I'd do before (like co-sleeping). I think it's important to just seek God every step of the way and be open to where He might lead.

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